Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and breathe a little easier knowing that there are genuine steps you can take for how to get your ex husband back after separation.
If you’re reading this article then you’re likely in the situation of having separated from your husband for a reason that was very valid to one or both of you.
However, as detailed in this excellent Ted Talk video by Michelle Rozen, Ph.D., divorce does not necessarily have to be the end result.
Getting your ex husband back is not quite the same as getting an ex-boyfriend back, as your lives will no doubt be much more intertwined and the therefore process needs to be altered somewhat.
A great deal more understanding, and in many cases time, needs to be given to mending the marriage.
However with the right approach, as detailed below, you can put yourself in the very best position possible to get your husband back after separation by using a mixture of intentional separation, mature acknowledgement of the reasons behind the break up using specific methods, and a nurturing of specific open communication processes.
Without further ado, let’s look at all of the aspects of this process in detail…
How To Get Your Ex Husband Back After Separation, The ‘6’ Success Steps
1. Create Space
Both of you are going to need space to properly navigate through the healing and mending process. This can’t be emphasized enough and you should be in no huge rush to push for a resolution as quickly as possible. By giving yourselves time to let the wounds heal you’ll absolutely be in a better position to move forwards more strongly and effectively than if you continue to apply pressure to put things back together immediately. He will need space for the following reasons:
- so that he doesn’t feel pressured. Whatever the reason for your split, if you come on too intensely from the outset you run the risk of making him close up . This is much more so if he was the one who instigated the split;
- so that he has time to heal and decompress from problems. Time can be a fantastic method of letting bygones be bygones, and letting him have a break from whatever was troubling him can be amazingly beneficial.
If you were the one to instigate the split he may also need time for the sting of that situation to subside. Give him the time he needs without any added pressure to get back together. With regards to yourself, you are going to need your own space for healing in a similar manner.
With regards to yourself, you are going to need your own space for healing in a similar manner.
While you’re giving yourself an intentional time out there are a few aspects of the prior relationship and you as a person need to put some thought into.
Be Secure On Your Own
Ensure that you are secure on your own through beneficial social ties with friends and family, ongoing activities or hobbies that give you enjoyment, and also with regards to your financial needs and living arrangements.
While giving you important and hugely helpful peace of mind over other potential problems, it also assists in setting you up on the off chance that reconciliation is not an option.
So make a concerted effort to ensure that all areas of your life are on track so that you can focus solely on the marriage challenges at hand.
The outcome will likely be much improved because of it.
Divorce The Prior Marriage
To a certain degree, let bygones be bygones.
A lot of things were most likely said and done in the heat of the moment, many of which were more heated than they needed to be due to the intensity of the situation, and at least from your perspective you should let the ‘jabs’ simply wash away.
This isn’t to say you cannot bring up problem points in future discussions as this is a mandatory part of reconciliation.
However do not go into the initial stages to trying to get back together with any anger or resentment as this will only make the process less likely to succeed.
Additionally, assume the relationship and norms you had prior are effectively over, and accept that you are building a brand new relationship with new levels of openness, trust and love.
Once you have ‘yourself’ suitably healed and prepared to move forward maturely, respectfully, and with reconciliation as the primary goal, you can make contact with your ex-husband.
Exactly when to make contact is very much dependent on the situation and the people involved, but your gut instinct will tell you when the time is right.
Given that you were married it’s quite acceptable to be up front and say the following:
Once you’ve made contact and agreed to talk about the possibility of reconciliation it’s time to work together on joint-healing…
Coming together to discuss moving forwards together is a two way street conversation, or many conversations as it may be.
Here are some key aspects for you to note during these conversations:
First and foremost, be ready to listen.
You will likely find that many of the answers to your present relationship problems come more readily if you really let him talk it out and actively listen to him.
This means not having your phone handy (turn it off or put it on silent), look him in the eye and genuinely give him your undivided attention during the entire process.
He will appreciate this much more than he might let on, especially if it was something that was lacking before.
Be absolutely prepared to apologize for any part you played in the separation, and be the first to apologize.
It will show immediately that you are genuine about your intention to move forward in a positive way and will also put him at ease that you are not going be argumentative or that you both will experience a repeat of how things were in the past.
Do not ask him to apologie at this point, simply make sure that he knows you’re sorry for your part and move forwards from there.
Let Him Lay It All Out
Ask him to lay out any and all problems, challenges and grievances he has with the past relationship and you personally.
Be prepared for some of his responses to be very hard to hear, however know that the more honest and thorough he can be the better you both can move forwards.
In many cases you’ll be able to find ways alleviate many of his concerns, but again, be prepared that some of his challenges may be things you’re not willing to compromise on.
It’s extremely important for everyone’s future happiness that you do not skip this step or stop him short simply because you don’t think you’ll like what you’re going to hear.
Let him lay everything out for you so you can literally assess whether you can move forwards in a new relationship or not.
This is definitely one of most, if not ‘the’ most, important steps of the process and requires your total attention and mature conduct for the betterment of everyone involved.
Be Open To Talking Problems Through
Now that you’re aware of his problems with the prior relationship it’s important that you also acknowledge each problem he raises and let him know that you’re not mad or resentful about any of them, and that you wish to work through them together.
And on the off chance that you are mad or resentful, then you’ve either come to this point too early and haven’t given yourself enough time to heal, or it may literally be a case where any future relationship isn’t viable.
Assuming you’re positive and determined to work through the challenges however, now is an excellent time to discuss specific ways that his concerns and needs can be suitably and fairly handled.
Raise Your Problems Respectfully
During the process of discussing his concerns, there will also come a time when you must raise your own.
Rather than simply blurt them out you should let him know, after his have been addresses, that you’d like to calmly bring up some of your own when he is ready.
You should not move forward without him hearing your concerns.
Once you’re able to discuss them with him make sure that at all times you remain calm and composed, and never accusing.
He will likely feel confronted as you may have when he told you all of his concerns, so bring up your challenges in the same manner you would appreciate him bringing up his.
Remember to show genuine appreciation for him being open and honest.
This will go a very long way towards mutual reconciliation as he will know that you’ve heard what he was saying, that you’ve acknowledged his concerns, and, quite simply, that you care.
Smile (don’t show anger or tears)
Be the happy one and bring a light and friendly tone to all of the discussions you had.
The very last thing you want at this point is any kind of negative emotions that may trigger feelings of past problems or a lack of empathy and wanting to move forwards.
Be Able To Prove Your Change
If you’ve been able to identify ways in which you personally need to improve, then make sure you start taking action to remedy the identified problems.
If you can show your ex husband that you’re making such efforts then he’ll know you’re genuine about attending to his needs and he will definitely appreciate this and warm up to the idea of restarting the relationship anew so much more.
There’s a little contention on whether counselling is beneficial to broken marriages.
Ultimately the process a counselor will take you through is not overly different to the six points in this article, however sometimes it does help to have a mediator on hand.
If you’re unsure on whether a counselor is the right thing for you or not you may wish to read our review on The Ex Factor Program for getting your past relationship fixed.
If this hugely detailed program sounds like it might be a great fit for you then the cost of it will likely be significantly less than formal marriage counselling, and could be equally as effective in some cases.
During the process of reconciliation it’s imperative that you take the time out to reflect on how things have progressed.
Admit Your Faults
Has the reconciliation process gone smoothly? If not, identify clearly what parts You played in moments where there was friction.
Regardless of whether they were things common for you in the past or something new that has arisen during talks with your ex-husband, make sure you make a point of quickly and genuinely apologizing and moving forwards.
Failure to do this will be extremely detrimental to getting your husband back as he will likely see the friction as reminiscent of the failed marriage.
Be Mindful To Change
Continue being mindful of how you need to change in order to avoid the problems of the past relationship.
It’s an excellent move to actually write down the ways you must change if any new relationship is going to succeed, and read them daily, at least until they become habit.
Remember that if you don’t commit to the agreed changes and compromises then you have a good chance of pushing him away.
Are You Doing The Right Thing
It’s very important to continue assessing yourself to make sure that in restarting your relationship and marriage that you’re doing it for the right reasons and that in the long term it will make you happier.
If at any time you have to pause or second guess you response about restarting the marriage, then you need to seriously consider letting it go and moving on to bigger and better things, despite it being a huge challenge in the short term.
Never be scared to endure some short term pain for long term gain in the form of greater happiness.
5. Future Interactions
With regards to all future interactions with your ex husband leading up to becoming a couple again, there are a number of points you should keep top of mind.
Keep Your Emotions In Check
Even though this will likely be one of the most emotionally tumultuous times you’ve ever faced, you must keep a check on your emotions.
It’s imperative that you remain calm, mature, respectful, pleasant and positive in order to have the very best chance of success.
This will be extremely difficult at times, however letting your emotions get the better of you to a point where they’re causing angst, resentment or uncomfortableness in your ex-husband will only push things in the wrong direction.
Avoid Old Destructive Patterns
Continue to be mindful of the ways in which you need to be actively compromising or pro-active towards building a better relationship.
Always remain on good terms, and do you very best to avoid slipping into old ways that you know where problem points in the past.
As mentioned earlier, it can be extremely beneficial to write down the ways in which you’re improving yourself and your relationship through different approaches to certain situations that were problematic in the past.
The more you remind yourself each day of the ways in which you’re changing for the better the greater the chance of you committing those changes to habit.
Be There For Him (but don’t get walked on)
Ensure that he always feels needed, appreciated, and that you’ve got his back.
After laying out all of his concerns and problems with the marriage it will mean a huge amount to him if you’re supportive in an ongoing manner with regards to those concerns.
Beyond this, go out of your way to be supportive in all other areas of his life to a greater extent than you were before as this will nurture the feeling of connection between you both.
The only challenge with this aspect is to ensure that to some degree it’s reciprocated and that he doesn’t come to expect too much of you.
Avoiding this type of situation will come down to continued open and honest discussion which you should aim to make commonplace in any new relationship.
Don’t Force Things Or Be In A Rush
This process is not a race, and having been married to the man you generally have more time up your sleeve than if he was a shorter term boyfriend.
If you try to force a resolution too quickly you run the risk of pushing him away with overwhelm and ruining your chances at a second shot.
Take a balanced approach whereby each time you talk together you tick off one more challenge or problem area to discuss, and always end things on a high note.
Before long you’ll have covered everything off, you’ll both know that the other is taking steps to compromise and work towards a stronger ‘new’ marriage, and you can broach the all important question of formally getting back together.
Keep Initial Discussions Shorter Rather Than Longer
This is an extension of the last point on not pushing things too hard, especially in the beginning.
To avoid any situations becoming too intimidating, overwhelming or emotional, keep the initial discussions short.
When bringing up past problem points, especially in the beginning, things may have a tendency to get a little heated.
Ensure that you always remain calm and respectful, and if things did get a little heated at any point you should bring the conversation back around to being on a high note and end it there.
6. Attraction Triggers
Simply put, make sure accentuate all of the things that attracted your ex husband to you in the first place.
There was a reason he fell for you and it likely started with your style and look, then he became attracted to your personality, and then the emotional aspects of you.
You will, of course, know him very well, therefore any and all aspects of You personally that you know turn him on and touch his attraction triggers you should accentuate to the best of your ability.
By showing him your best and most attractive self both inside and out, you’ll stand a much better chance of him being comfortable beginning fresh in a new relationship with you.
With these ‘6’ Success Steps on how to get your ex-husband back you’ll be in a massively improved position to get him back once and for all.
If you’re looking for even more detailed information and step by step instructions you can check out my detailed review of the comprehensive Ex Factor program for getting your ex back in the fastest and most effective manner possible.
All the best in life, love and happiness – Bekka 💕
What Has Worked For You To Get Your Ex-Husband Back After Separation?
Do you have a success story to share with other readers, or tips that can help someone trying to work things out with their ex-husband? Comment below and join the conversation!
Hi, I'm Bekka! 🙂
Thanks so much for stopping by RelationshipFruit .com! As someone who struggled with men and relationships for quite some years I’m happy to say that my current long-term relationship could not possibly be any better! Slowly but surely this website is becoming the embodiment of everything I’ve learnt and studied over the years to improve myself and understand those crazy (and lovable!) creatures called men. Please make yourself at home, check out my articles to learn from my mistakes, and connect with me anytime in the comments 😘